Being Hit; Being Transformed

Heavy Downpour

This week has been an amazing roller coaster for me. I’ve been participating in a transformational cleanse workshop with 15 other present and aware women. During this week of incredible energetic shifts, all of us have chosen something to clear and transform and as a result, we have all experienced some rather dramatic situations…all of which are revealing some brutiful places that are ready to be healed. I chose to cleanse and transform the attitude of entitlement…something I was shocked to discover I had.

I usually teach a piano lesson on Tuesday evenings…at my student’s home. But this week, at the last minute, it was changed to Wednesday…12/12/12…the day we began our final push through the portal into our take-off moment. As I parked in my usual place, I expressed gratitude that I remembered my umbrella, as it was dark and raining quite heavily. I was also looking forward to spending time with my student, as kids always help me find joy within myself…and Wednesday had been an emotionally difficult day for me.

After the piano lesson, I stepped out of the house and looked at my car in shock. Someone had hit it as he/she had backed out. My passenger-side door was quite dented and scratched, and the mirror was crunched in toward the window. There was no note. I had absolutely no idea who had done this…and I was shaken, and felt violated and helpless. I also remembered that in trying to be frugal with my money during my in-between work phase, I didn’t have collision coverage on my insurance. I would have to repair this with my own money.

I began to panic.

My piano student’s parents were very sympathetic and supportive, and said they’d send out an email to all the neighbors, asking if anyone had seen anything. I didn’t have much hope that anyone would step forward, but thanked them for their help and support and got into my car to drive home. As I reached to put my key in the ignition, I placed my payment in my lap. I heard:

Put it in your wallet. Now.

“I’m fine,” I argued. “Who’s going to forget money in their lap?”

You. Put it in your wallet.

“I just want to get out of here…I’m too upset to take any more time right now.”

Suit yourself.

As I drove home, I succumbed to the panic and dissolved into tears. I had absolutely no idea how this could be resolved and cried out to the Universe for help. I was told:

We hear you, and we are supporting you. Now please let go of this completely so we can do our part and show you that you are loved and protected…trust that this is already resolved.

I tried, but it didn’t happen right away. I got home, and had to tell my mom…which resulted in my eyes leaking again. I found my camera and took pictures, all the while feeling resentful and bitter and angry and violated and desperately wanting justice and fairness. Then I heard:

Remember that attitude of entitlement that you asked to be cleansed and transformed this week? Why not use this situation to find all the places where that attitude exists…then send it up to us to transform it for you.

Entitlement? In this situation? Really? But wrong is wrong! Who hits a car and doesn’t leave a note? What kind of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind of person…a selfish bastard, that’s what kind of person. I bet it was so-and-so or him or her…and on I went. After a few minutes, I heard this:

Just because something is wrong, does that mean you are immune to experiencing it? Why are you so special that something unfair shouldn’t happen to you? Please…let it go…accept the situation for what it is, and find a way to bless the person who hit your car.

Are you kidding me???

Nope.

Crap.

How?

Ho’oponopono. Start with you first.

So I began.

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

I chanted this, sending the words to myself…with a concentrated and focused intention. After about five minutes, I started to feel the edge ease. Then it all snowballed and soon I was a puddle of vulnerability…soft and filled with compassion toward myself. I let it wash over me…wave after wave after wave…flushing away all the anger, fear, sadness, judgement…entitlement. Sure enough…it was there.

Now chant this and reflect this to the person who hit your car.

“Fine.”

I began again. In less than one minute, all the fury and indignation dissolved, and all I felt was compassion. I knew what was going on energetically that day, and I had a tough day. This must have been a super challenging day for those who were completely unaware. I also realized that where I had parked was an easy target for being hit, and that if someone wasn’t paying attention, it was completely understandable how it could have happened…particularly in the dark, and in the rain. I realized that if I had done this, I would have felt horrible. I felt my body engulfed in compassion and reflected it out to the driver…whoever it was. I still had no idea how the situation would be resolved, but I trusted that it would be and that I would be ok.

The next day, a dear friend called me. She told me that her husband had been hit by an uninsured driver earlier that week, and their car was in the shop. He was driving a rental and had parked in a different place the night before. In his rush to take the kids to an appointment, and driving an unfamiliar car, he hadn’t seen my car and had backed into me. He thought it belonged to a neighbor and went straight away to tell her, but she wasn’t home.

I tried to find anger and indignation, but it was impossible…all I could find was compassion and love for him. Tears filled my eyes. What a situation for him! What a situation for his wife…to call me and tell me too!

In a teary voice my heart blurted, “I’m so sorry you’re experiencing such a difficult week. And I’m sorry that I parked where I did…it wasn’t very thoughtful of me to do so.”

She replied, “We feel awful. You are my sister. I love you. I would never want to hurt you. And now we have. Please forgive us.”

I realized that I already had…and I told her so…it wasn’t an issue in the slightest. All I was concerned with was maintaining the friendship connection with someone I loved.

She then told me that they had just been to their insurance company, and told them what had happened, and took full responsibility for the situation. Their insurance agreed to fully repair both cars, and before she had hung up with me, the insurance company had already called me.

An hour later, my mom called me. She asked me if I had gotten paid for my piano lesson the night before. I told her yes. She asked how I had been paid and how much it was. I told her. She told me that our neighbor had walked past our car the night before, soon after I had gotten home, and somehow, in the dark and the rain, had seen the money on the ground by the car. He picked it up and gave it to my mom to give to me. I felt rather sheepish. Not only had I ignored instructions from my guides, and they had still protected and supported me, but in the tumultuousness of the situation, I hadn’t even realized I was missing the money. As I realized this, I heard:

We love you. We support you. Trust. Everything will be ok. All of it.

I marveled at this amazing sequence of events for two days. Yes, it’s been horribly inconvenient, but I’ve met some beautiful and kind people. Every time I felt dread in dealing with some aspect of the situation, I began chanting the Ho’oponopono prayer. Every time I did, I felt peace and support and trust, and the most wonderful things resulted.

Then the children in Connecticut were hit…along with a few adults and their families. Instantly, I was back in that moment of confusion and violation and fear when I first saw my car. However, having this situation so fresh in my mind, it was an aha! moment…a moment of recognition. I’d been here before, and I knew what to do: hold compassion…first for me, then for everybody in the situation…especially the shooter.

I was surprised at how quickly I was able to shift into that compassion space…and that’s when I could see everyone’s pain. I also could see how the portal day and the new moon had really triggered this man’s pain to an intensity that was confusing and disorienting to him. I felt such love and compassion for him, feeling in my own experience those moments when I’d felt alone, rejected, isolated, unloved, unappreciated. I saw all the times I responded to similar emotions with violent words, thoughts, behaviors, and gestures. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel shame toward myself in those moments…only compassion. As I chanted the prayer, I felt those situations shift and heal within me…and as they did, I reflected that to the shooter, his family, and all the members of the community…just as small and entwined as mine.

And in that moment, I could express gratitude for my car being hit…for it taught me what I needed to know in order to help others.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

And so it is.

Compassion after the Discomfort

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“People often ask me, “How do we know whether to refrain from something or go toward it?” My answer is, just practice what comes naturally at the time. If the first commitment, refraining, seems like it would be the most helpful, do that. But if you feel that you can keep your heart and mind open a little longer to someone who’s irritating you or triggering your impatience, then follow your instinct and do that. Then maybe, based on having been able to stay open a little longer in that situation, you’ll begin to get a sense of what it would mean to not turn away at all.”
(Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change)

There is always an after. Even when facing an ending, there is always an after…especially when that ending does not result in turning away. But that after is never the same from one end to another. So, no matter how many afters one experiences, the only thing that can be assured is that “this too will pass.”

But what do you do in that space between the end and the passing of the “this?”

Be.

With Compassion.

For self.

Usually the after indicates some kind of previous struggle…and often, for quite a while. A lengthy struggle can result in many things…depletion, depression, exhaustion, sorrow, grief, resentment, fury, vulnerability, fear, relief, expansion, and many, many more.

These emotions swirled through me after I made my decision to leave. And, they didn’t stop. It’s been three weeks since that decision, and there are still waves that catch me in unsuspecting moments.

Those first few days after the decision were the hardest…trying to wrap up projects, writing up documentation, visiting all my rituals for the last time, still working and keeping a cheerful face even the presence of those who wished me ill. But the most difficult was the goodbyes. I would swing from holding an energetic protective stance with my co-workers to a gut-wrenching sorrow as a student’s eyes welled up with tears.

After a couple days, and many nights of asking for help from the Higher Realms, I re-learned something beautiful…it can all co-exist. I don’t have to swing from one emotion to the other, exhausting myself in the perpetual pendulum. Instead, I can just hold space for me to simply BE in the wash of it all…all at once…all at the same time…immersed…present.

In that understanding, a huge energy of compassion engulfed me, and I opened to receive it…the teary, frustrated, angry, hurt, sad, tender, vulnerable didn’t go away. Instead, I recognized the potentials this force carried if I harnessed it. So, I just rode the wave. And in riding the wave, I allowed myself to fully experience all that the emotion had to offer me. By not resisting it, it carried me forward and up to a higher frequency…and a tiny piece of that emotion fell away…completed.

Breathe.

Hold Compassion.

Ride.

Repeat.